'ONLY TWO POSSIBLE OPTIONS'
'First off, I'd like to say sorry for taking so long to update. Secondly, I'd like to say that I have some good reasons. I've missed writing, but I just started a veterinary program. I'm taking 25 credit hours. 3 of those hours are extra-curricular. Frankly, I deserve applause just for showering regularly. That said, I'd like to start updating more often, but with shorter blogs. That's my new goal. We'll see how that works out. Either way, on to the blog. Enjoy it. Or at the very least, fake it.------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was listening to the radio the other day, bopping along mechanically, when a commercial break came on. “Trying to put on muscle weight?” shouted the man in my speakers. I was not. However, I <em>was</em> stuck in the car, and didn’t feel like finding another radio station. They had my unenthusiastic attention. “Tired of working out constantly and never getting that ripped body? Ready to achieve your full potential? Use our new formula to bust through your genetic limitations and achieve results like never before!” Well…how ‘bout that. Now you have my <strong>real</strong> attention. I can’t remember which company it was that had released the advertisement campaign, at this point. I can’t even remember exactly what sort of thing it was that they were selling. Maybe it was a powder. Maybe it was a pill. Maybe it was a drink that comes in a variety of flavors that all taste like stale cereal. None of the search criteria I could think of yielded the correct result on the interwebs, and I’ve never heard the radio ad again, though I listen to the same stations frequently. However, I <em>have</em> come up with TWO possible explanations for the elusive nature of this product. You might call them far-fetched, but to be fair they are both <em>equally</em> implausible. They are also equally awesome. If you feel strongly about an alternative hypothesis, let me know. Otherwise, suspend your disbelief and join me on a journey of <img src='http://www.kaiodee.com/sites/kaiodee.com/files/spongebob_imagination1.jpg' width=500px />------------------------------------------------------------------------<strong>1. THE SUPPLEMENT MAKES ”X-MEN” A REALITY--THE CREATORS JUST AREN’T SURE HOW TO CAPITALIZE ON THE DISCOVERY YET </strong> Anybody who’s read my blog has glommed on to the fact that I’m something of a nerd. That said, if you too share in glorious Nerd-dom, you can’t tell me you haven’t spent some time fantasizing about what kind of X-Men power you’d most like to have. For me it’s Storm, no question. She a) doesn’t go crazy, b) can kiss a guy without killing him c) has all her memories, and d) can actually zap irritating people with lightening. Oh, and she flies. Boom.<img src='http://www.kaiodee.com/sites/kaiodee.com/files/Storm-x-men-24196468-605-820.jpg' width=400px /><strong>DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A TOAD WHEN IT’S STRUCK BY LIGHTNING?!?<strong>But I digress.If I had the ability to give people mutant powers of awesomeness, I would definitely try and capitalize on it. Maybe I wouldn’t have before I started vet school. Maybe I would have spread such a gift to all mankind like Christmas on crack. But now, I have such high student loans that every other day I idly consider quitting this program and becoming an accountant/stripper. Or maybe just an accountant. I’d probably be a really awkward stripper. Such a shame.Either way, carry on, super-sneaky-exercise-supplement company. You get what’s yours. However, for this free advertisement, I expect to be able to fly within the week. It’s only fair.-------------------------------------------------------------------------<strong> 2. BY BUSTING THROUGH GENETIC LIMITATIONS, THEY HAVE CREATED A PLAGUE THE LIKES OF WHICH MANKIND HAS NEVER SEEN </strong> First off, I’m not a geneticist. I’m barely <em>technically</em> a biologist, in that I have a Bachelor’s degree in that subject. However, I <strong>do</strong> know that although the word “limitation” has a negative connotation in many contexts, genetic limitations are very frequently a very good thing.Why don’t cells replicate forever? Telomeres, which initially protect the DNA sequence from degeneration, don’t last forever. When the telomere is gone, the DNA sequence is steadily eaten away, and eventually the cell dies.What happens if we break through that genetic barrier, and telomeres regenerate? Cells don’t die. Cancer happens. And nobody really likes cancer.<img src='http://www.kaiodee.com/sites/kaiodee.com/files/LlamaTeeth.jpg' width=400px /><strong>I was going to put a joke here about cancer. And then I thought about my Grandma reading a blog post where I made cancer jokes. And then I got sad. So, you get a picture of a delightful llama instead. You’re welcome.</strong>What I’m saying is, a lot of genetic limitations are supposed to be there. For the lucky portion of the population, they make us grow all the right things in all the right places, and hopefully allow us to live relatively healthy, fulfilling lives. However, what would happen if we didn’t have those limitations anymore? Frankly,<em>the possibilities are endless.</em> More specifically, what could happen that somebody would want to cover up? As I mentioned before: PLAGUE. That’s not something you brag about when you come home for Christmas.<img src='http://www.kaiodee.com/sites/kaiodee.com/files/survive-the-office-christmas-party.jpg' width=400px /><strong>”This year, I got a promotion, so now I can afford that second house in the Bahamas!”</strong><strong>“OH, really? Well, this year I messed around with the genetic limitations of cellular structure in order to increase the amount of muscle gym rats could layer on! Unfortunately, the altered cells in our test subjects exchanged DNA with a virus, gave rise to a new, voracious type that causes spontaneous muscle generation in its victims and now we’re all going to die of being so heavy that our skulls collapse! MERRY CHRISTMAS!”</strong> <strong>"Oh, Charles, you're SUCH a wag!"</strong>So what I think is this: Because I couldn’t find this so-called barrier-breaking work-out supplement on the internet (and I’m TOTALLY super-sleuthy), it’s entirely possible that unforeseen side-effects of this exercise breakthrough will be the destruction of all of mankind. Best head for the hills, people. The Powers That Be are lying to us, and that can only stall the oncoming death for so long. And frankly, just now it occurs to me that death is one of the more pleasant possible outcomes. What if they accidently bust the genetic barrier on the number of limbs we have?Thanks, but no thanks, guys. I don’t want an extra arm, <em>no matter how muscle-fied it is.</em><img src='http://www.kaiodee.com/sites/kaiodee.com/files/OMG__Coloured_Trogdor_by_Philosophic_Phillus.jpg' width=400px /><strong>Trogdor, on the other hand, thinks it only adds to his man-dragonly physique.</strong>Oh, and then there’s this snake from China. Only read about this if you’d also like to never sleep again ever.http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/6187320/Snake-with-foot-found-in-China.htmlDEAR WHOEVER PLEASE LET US KEEP SOME GENETIC LIMITATIONS '